James Anybody is a short story/poem compiled from writings I did between the ages of 16 and 23.
Rose and the Thornbush
One day a rose bloomed in a thornbush. The rose was too beautiful for the thorns to understand…so they called it ugly. As time drew on the rose began to believe itself ugly so it began to act as such. The rose even went to the point of trimming off all of its petals until it became nothing more than a stem thus losing all of its fragrance and beauty. This drove the thorns to accept it.
Every so often the rosebush not far away would glance over but never noticed the rose because it was now just a stem and showed no signs of its once apparent rosiness. Every time a petal would begin to grow the rose would pluck it off out of fear of not being accepted.
One day the rose gave up and let all of its petals grow. The next day it was plucked and placed amongst the beauty of the other roses.
Moral: Don’t be persuaded by the ugliness around. Be as beautiful as you can be without fear of scorn because beauty attracts beauty and ugliness only hates beauty. After all, it’s something it can never achieve.
Inauguration To Enlightenment
Wah Pedal noise
Feel me, feel me, feel me…
Fear me but don’t fake it,
I can’t take it,
don’t run away, stay,
don’t trip on the other way…
It will faze,
it will daze,
it will confuse,
them it will amuse if you choose.
I can lead you to safety,
if you pay me,
if you don’t you’re out of luck,
a sitting duck,
fighting for your place,
cutting to the chase, never winning their race.
Where? Over there.
He’s been stripped,
his soul is naked,
I can’t take it,
Then why try,
you are now found
don’t toy with me.
your face is cotton candy
and you’re melting.
Hades is calling your name,
will you answer?
Do I have a choice?
No, you will follow me,
I will set you free
Help you see,
I will lead you into eternity
with golden trees and bumblebees,
but no moths,
they will mislead you,
send you from the promised land
to the land of truthtellers and lies,
to Truth and Consequences,
your truth is the consequence
and it is impending,
it is neverending,
follow me into eternity.
You can call me Lucifer,
I am Hitler,
I am all that you hate.
You are now here
but you are officially gone
This is your song.
The Promised Land
The promised land waits before you.
As you enter your thoughts become clear,
time spans a year,
and time is no longer so dear.
As you walk through the valley
your hair stands on end,
you never want to go again,
I suddenly seem like your friend.
Now you’re lost,
the sky becomes red,
you feel more dead,
you’re in limbo.
The becoming has started.
The Red Sky Beating Down
The sky becomes red,
the ground becomes cold,
but your thoughts are so clear,
you lose all fear,
but feel immense pain.
You want to run,
but the joy sticks you and you’re lost.
Your stomach hurts and your eyes tweek
Your thoughts become blurry.
Now you’re found.
Follow me into eternity,
and never look back again.
I’m your beginning.
Now your end.
You step into the light.
Ocean of Red
As you become immersed in the redness,
you begin to fear that you chose wrong
and the end is near.
The end is past,
this is the beginning,
the journey will send you to gold and white.
Red and black though must come first,
the words disappear.
Now there is nothing.
This is now truly limbo.
You feel nothing,
you are nothing.
All thought is now dead.
You will now have to search for your end.
My guidance has run its course.
Now you will have to think for yourself.
Many thoughts fill your ears
as you search for years and years.
In the end, all old pain will be gone.
If you search you will find the answer was with you all along.
Just think back,
back before the beginning,
long before the end.
Before all comprehension
to the moths and consequences.
Forget all thought
and focus on the light.
Salvation is on the horizon.
As you focus on the light
your head becomes clear.
You have been asleep for an eternity.
Nightmares fill your head.
Forget all the red.
Forget all the black.
Forget all the truth.
Forget all the consequences.
Forget all the lies.
Forget all the pain,
for I have caught you,
you will not go insane.
I am love.
I am forever,
for if you love me your salvation is here,
enlightenment is here.
Love is the only truth,
the only color white.
Love is every color, every emotion.
Feel it and you will see,
all you need is love
and love is all you need.
Enlightenment has found you
and you are saved
and I can say once again,
love has saved the day.
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And it is on this very day of an unnamed wave in the month of May that I begin my journey toward an unknown bay. Now the difference between this journey and the great quests of the likes of say Don Quixote or Ulysses is that neither you nor I have a single hintling towards its destination. Like the great beasts of the sea, we just float along aimlessly like a few measly salmon caught in an unholy tide toward a land of magic and mystery. Hello, my name is James Anybody, and I want to die.
may group inspire.
From evanescent doubt,
may hope desire.
Your mind is yours,
and thoughts aim higher.
To the heaven above
may your soul inspire.
When you cry the whole world cries with you,
when you smile the world shines like heaven is beside you.
You make the stars sparkle and the sky shine blue
If you want to save the world, then it’s all up to you.
Inside a spiral come words so viral.
Dilated for play disregarding message conveys.
Games are for child when feral and wild.
Autumn years bring wisdom, when ignored we miss them.
When digging dirt, feelings are hurt, lives disrespected, regretted, and hate begot, again and again.
You chose the path less traveled,
That has made all the difference.
I choose the path never traveled.
The sun always shines in the end.
You may ask yourself why I want to die, but the only true answer can be found within yourself. For to understand my perturbance you must first ask yourself, why wouldn’t I? We will both find out at the climax of my journey and will hopefully both come out a bit stronger and maybe understand where both of our journeys are leading us. I begin my journey on the side of an old-fashioned country road. The moon’s gazing down at me and smiling at me with camaraderie and understanding. I see the man on the moon. I think to myself, how many journeys has he witnessed? How many lives has he seen end in confusion and disillusionment? Maybe it’s our good old friend father moon who has all the answers. I then ponder to myself. How odd I must appear to these well-air-conditioned passers-by. How close they are to seeing an act of true self-discovery yet so cumbersomely ambivalent towards it. With my scraggly black hair and penetrating blue eyes, I cast upon others the appearance of a poorly groomed Hitler or a bearded and unkempt Jim Morrison during his less beautiful years, but in my mind, I see the images of Holden Caufield and the somewhat more prestigious Moses screaming at me to seek out my destiny and trust the prophecies of my intuition as opposed to being struck down by the logic of the never will be’s. Who are they to question my intentions and my infinite progress? I am but a man on a pertinent mission that remains unforeseen to any other soul but he and the piercing eyes of the Dharma. I once thought and even at times believed myself a crazy man until it became clear to me by word of mouth that a crazy man believes himself sane and makes up faltering excuses by which to prove his sanity. The excuses never hold true because the crazy man can never hold up a mask of sanity without it swaying a’ gauche a few yet too many times. A sane man will believe himself crazy only when he can no longer find believable excuses for his own failure in life.
It’s in the black of night,
the stars are shining bright,
the moon is dancing around.
This little town of mine
that is running through my mind,
the colors are so divine.
And then I see her there,
the girl with golden hair,
her mind without a care.
And then I see here there,
the girl with golden hair,
the girl with golden hair.
I’m walking through the streets,
as they continue to massage my feet,
this dream is such a fleet.
I hope to come again,
whenever it is I can,
My inner dialogue has grown quite weary of my obsessive thoughts, therefore I see fit to trudge forth and examine my surroundings. This is a rather claustrophobic road that we all know so well. One that is full of regret, memories, and broken dreams. I’d say dismal memories but is there such a thing? A memory either reminds you of a time that was worse or a better time. Do you want to dwell on either? In retrospect a memory is never really a happy thing, therefore I choose to forget the past because, from a psychological standpoint, memories are useless to you in your conscious mind. The lessons your memories can teach you are already ingrained in your subconscious mind and present themselves subliminally through your actions. Therefore why focus on a lesson you’ve already learned?
This gravel beneath my feet becomes rather comforting. It reminds me that I am though slowly, surely making progress. I see my path beyond and below me and it seems to stretch for eons upon eons. I have already stretched my journey out to the length of a fortifiable five miles. Being that I am a rather lanky and angular character, my legs aren’t much cut out for walking.
I decided it was time to search for my Pequod. This makes me wonder. Who designated the thumb out as the hitcher symbol. Who exactly decides these universal laws? How do these laws become universal? Are they even literally universal? I wonder how they hitchhike in London. It seems to me the hipper culture never really spread through Europe seeing it as they spent so much time spewing forth all of their peace and love on us. The hippies were the concubines that made hitching a national pastime, therefore it all may start back in the time of the flower power. Maybe the thumb out is nothing more than an arbitrary assumption.
After a few yards of hoping my red and rusty car of dream offers me a lift to my destination. My whole problem is that I’ve never really had a proper destination. I’ve always spent all my time going over all of the bright and neon-lighted possibilities.
Viewing the world this way I just told him to drive and just see where the road takes us. He just kind of smirked when I said this and told me he’d drive me as far as his path took us. His path didn’t take us too far, only about twenty minutes. I guess his path just wasn’t part of my destiny.
I ended up on a different yet very similar path of the road. The only noticeable difference was that beyond this road I saw a very visible destination. I presume that this is where my actual story begins.
Eyes of passion and mirth
A fire that could eclipse the Earth
Smile singing in the sun
Twinkling like a distant fire
Singing a song of passion and desire
Loves electric birth
Sing to me Starchild
Guide me home tonight
Let me hear the sweetest of sounds
Twinkling in the night.
You are my fire,
My hearts desire.
Inspired by rain,
Because rain comes from higher.
From heaven comes rain
From heaven come fire
From heaven comes pain
You inspire me,
You are my fire,
Inspired by rain,
My heart’s desire
If pleasure is pain,
Then turn me to fire,
Explode into flames,
Higher and higher.
You are my fire,
My hearts desire,
Inspired by rain,
Because rain comes from higher.
I will protect you with fire
I can’t promise to take you higher,
You are the only one I desire.
Being the Idealist that I am I shall make it very clear to you that I am a strong believer and admirer of fate and destiny. I guess you could say that I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I have a nasty habit of discarding all that is logical and down-setting for what is more promising and open-ended. I hate answers because they have always destroyed the possibility of more questions. I find questions to be the most comforting of all of the ideas I have found. What if life was more than but a series of questions followed by the search for solutions? I come upon this town of pink and blue, green and gold and this tells me I have found my correct path. Upon my entering this town I look for my next sure sign of transformation. These aren’t always the easiest signs to find. The reason for this is the fact that they tend to draw you towards them as opposed to catching your eye.
It seems rather foolish in most people’s eyes to view the world as nothing but a bunch of symbols and signs but I came up with my theory of the universe a good 17 years after my making:
The big bang was caused by an explosion out from a big ball of pure energy which was God. According to Einstein matter is just another form of energy and the highest form of evolution is pure energy. We started from one cell which was formed by way of energy. Everything in this universe developed from that one cell therefore everything in this universe is perpetually linked together. Therefore everything on this planet goes according to a plan. This answers every question ever asked in the history of mankind. There is a such thing as true love because everything in this universe is done to evolve to perfection, to become the pure energy that it once was. Certain traits exist within the human race that strays away from perfection. That’s why certain people are attracted to certain other people. It’s our universal mind at work. It’s like a coagulating scab. There are links between people like there are links between skin cells. Everything in this universe is a big working of interconnected networks. Everything happens as a way of everything coming back together as pure energy. This pure energy is heaven.
I couldn’t seem to find a philosophy or religion that I agreed with so I went ahead and made up one of my own. This one ties together every thought in this world I’ve ever taken the time to agree with. There’s no actual truth in this world. Maybe that’s why people spend so much time searching for it. If people would just be more honest with each other there would be no need for all of this useless suffering. Maybe one day people will learn to stop worrying and just be happy with the cards that fate is dealing them.
I feel that there is so much pain and suffering even in most suburban areas. The cause of this is the people that keep playing games and keep trying to manipulate their destinies. Doing this will never lead you to happiness. Following your heart and your intuition is the only way to find your true light at the end of the road. All this will ever do is end up causing you more confusion and heartache. But these are just the ramblings of some scraggly bum right? I walk through this sound as I attempt not to make a sound but I remind myself clearly that if I’m meant to make a sound I will make a sound because of my unavoidable destiny. I meet up with a stranger that is more deranged than strange and he points me toward the direction in which I just came he points there again and tells me to get gone because I am just a bum and I should just keep moving along.
I moved along still carried by an unknown force toward an unknown destination and pondering the whole time what it was all for. I exited this town of bright colors and followed it down the path that brought me back to colors of darkness, but I felt more assured because with every error a sort of triumph is sure to soon follow no matter how great or minuscule it may turn to be.
Do you remember how you said it’s complicated to understand your world? What I didn’t tell you is that I know exactly how you feel.
I think I’m losing my mind, I don’t care about anything right now. I’ve got nobody to talk to, and I’ve got nowhere to be alone.
I don’t have any good memories of my childhood. I have no aspirations, no hopes, no dreams, no desires. I have nothing to live for. I drink and drink and drink and pray that I’ll wake up in heaven, but the answer is never found at the bottom of the bottle and I’m tired of drinking.
Half of what I say is meaningless, the truth can only be found when I speak of love and emptiness because those are the only things I understand
Everybody is coming at me in a bad way, and I’ve got nobody telling me I’m a good person anymore, I’m starting to hate myself, I hurt people all the time. You have no idea how bad I felt about doing that, I wanted you to slap me so that I would feel better after.
People at work tell me I’m lazy and don’t care about anything, sometimes I wonder if it’s true. I act like I’m strong and confident and don’t care what they think, but I can only do that so much, that I feel dead on the inside. I wish people could just accept me for who I am, I’m tired of trying to prove myself.
I’m especially tired of trying to prove myself to you.
I’m trying so hard to overcome my problems, but I need somebody to appreciate the fact that I’m trying. Nobody knows what’s going on inside my head. I think about killing myself all the time, I want to die.
I don’t know why I can’t be happy, but I keep ongoing. I think you understand how I feel, that’s why I want to talk to you,
that’s why I like you, and that’s why I want to be with you, even if I go to Guam.
You’re telling me that you are afraid I’ll hurt you and leave you, you don’t understand the type of person I am at all. I will cherish you for everything that you are.
You are so beautiful, you’re like a work of art, it’s almost heartbreaking, like reading a line so honest it makes you cry, or a song so meticulously constructed that it brings a tear to your eye.
You have the skin of an angel, like silk I wanted to feel it even more, but you left and broke my heart.
Your eyes are light brown and the same tone as your hair, offsetting your skin tone, it’s hypnotizing. I couldn’t keep myself from staring at you. It was like looking directly into heaven. I can’t believe I didn’t go blind.
Your lips are soft just like your skin, I couldn’t stop myself from kissing you, I could kiss you for hours then still not be satisfied.
I want to kiss you right now so bad that it brings a twinge of pain to my heart. My body yearns for your body so bad that it keeps me up at night, there’s nothing I can do to ignore it, it knows what it wants and it won’t ignore its desire.
As I walk along this lonely road I begin to think of colors bright and a new picture of hope and virtue comes into sight…I see a subtle green glow in the distance, so subtle I find myself struggling yet I still can’t miss it. What does it all mean? Green is the color of healing, so something draws me in and tells me I will soon meet my reckoning. I am James Anybody, and I still want to die.
I want to express how I feel to see what I end up saying.
I feel like I’ve lost you, I understand why and I don’t blame you, I just wish things could be different. I don’t want much out of life, and I don’t understand why it has to be the way that it is. For you or me.
I’m not just thinking about myself, I wasn’t crying on Christmas Eve because I felt bad for myself, it was because I felt bad for you.
I don’t understand why life has to be like this. Happiness shouldn’t be so hard to keep, it should be easy. That’s part of my philosophy.
I thought if I loved as much as I could and cared as much as was possible, I could keep what I loved and maybe it wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.
It is though, for you and me. Happiness is fleeting. I don’t think ill ever find it.
When I was young, all I wanted was my family to be happy, I thought if I helped them as much as I could, maybe we could all be happy, watch Christmas movies on Christmas, eat dinner at the table together, all that stuff.
That never worked out, so I gave up, thought maybe I could find happiness among my friends by helping them understand themselves, but they didn’t want to listen either, so I gave up. I couldn’t find love anywhere, so I gave up on people.
I understand people, I can change the world, if nothing else, maybe then ill find happiness. I think that is my purpose.
I want to unite all religions and philosophies, I’m trying to do that with my philosophy.
I love you, I hope I can be with you again
What is this force that compels me so? Will I ever see it? Will it ever become clear to me? What is it about this fate that terrifies me?
The green glow becomes less subtle and less distant yet harder to see. I see a house in the distance, it looks so reminiscent. Come forth intuition, compel me towards my intention, why is it that you impel me so?
I know this house, I know its flaws and I know its truths, and I know why it seems so aloof. It’s surrounded by a beautiful town where red and green abound and the touch of the sound sprays on your face yet never makes a sound. This is where not too long ago my knees hit the ground.
It has been so long since I have been here. It used to bring thoughts of songs and cool breezy weather, I know this place that I stand before, once upon a time I thought I’d never see this place anymore.
I knock on the door and am not surprised when I am struck in the face by the brownest of eyes.
“James? James is that you, can this really be true? Can this really be, is this really you that I see?”
I never thought I would see her again, why is it that I am here, what is it that I have to say? I am here today, so I need to again follow my intuition as it guides me through this tribulation.
I wanted something beautiful, something pure something new, that’s why when I became aching for love, I turned to you. Time has passed by and so have many skies, but even after all of these years, I am still leveled by your eyes. We are none perfect and nothing in this world can stay gold, please let me back in your heart once more before we both grow too old. I’m sorry I judged you and made you feel inferior, what you could never see was the intention beyond its exterior. In all of my time I judged you poorly because I felt you superior, my life without you has been nothing but dreary and drearier. These are all the words that I can say to you, please let them get through, or I don’t know what I have in my power to do.
She takes me in her arms and begins to cry. I am James Anybody, and I no longer want to die.
I don’t want this rose to fade, like the flowers of yesterday.
I feel like I could turn off the lights and you could light up the room.
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