Understanding and Recognizing Childhood Trauma

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I was reading Speaker for the Dead recently, it made me fall in love with the idea of “speaking for the dead”. My sister is dead and I’m speaking for her, because she never had a voice. She could yell really loud, but her voice was distorted by trauma.

I am speaking for her and everyone else that has been abused. It will culminate next month when I release my video game.

I saw a really weird picture when I was a kid – a picture of my sister in the fetal position crying. So, you see a little girl in the fetal position crying and your first thought is to take a picture. It always struck me as an odd first instinct.

My sister had a nervous breakdown when she was sixteen. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, then Paranoid Schizophrenia, then Schizo-Affective Disorder. In my unqualified opinion, she should have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (split personality).

A split personality is essentially the most severe form of mental illness. It occurs when you experience severe trauma at such a young age that you develop multiple personalities in order to deal with different situations because you are so fucking scared. I have similar issues: I black out when I get angry because I’m afraid my dad will kill me if I yell. He loved threatening to kill me, as much as he loved beating the shit out of my sister.

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You see, he beat up little girls because he was afraid to beat me up. He wanted me to take care of him when he got old, but he fucked that up. Also pretty sure he was afraid I’d beat him up when I turned into a man.

Another odd story that seemed touching to me as a child, but now seems really fucked up: they thought I was going to be a girl until I was born. When my dad found out I was a he dropped his coke. So, if I was a girl, he wouldn’t have cared?

It’s amazing how much beauty can be extracted from the fact that you are abusing a bully, just by telling the truth.

This is why I rarely look men in the eyes when when I’m walking down the street, yet smile at kids and wave at dogs. This is why I am also extremely protective of women and often end up in relationships with women that are vulnerable; I am trying to protect my sister and feel a ton of guilt for treating her the way that my “dad” did.

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